this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
