What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just want to make out with him forever
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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