I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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