Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
