get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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