I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
