come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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