lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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