I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
