i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
50% drunk capacity currently
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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