if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
