we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
