Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
