I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
