I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
