If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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