Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
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