there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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