You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
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