i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize