Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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