i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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