I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
