Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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