If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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