Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
