Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
