dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
