I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
