i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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