did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
