I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
