that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
