He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My cat gives me a boner
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
