K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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