shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
