nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize