My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
