Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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