I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
