Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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