After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
