I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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