I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
