I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
