She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
