the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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