OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
