Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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