I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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