I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
