I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
