I'm gonna have a badass scar
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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