Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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