apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
