god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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