I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
