you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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