tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize