we're chasing vodka with high fives
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My ass is underappreciated
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize